


I Don't Play Volleyball for Merit

by JudyHaJr



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Friendship, M/M, Medical Conditions, Team Spirit, btw it's not cancer, depression caused by medical condition, don't worry it's not any kind of terminal illness, friendships between rival teams, non graphic panic attacks
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-19
Updated: 2017-10-01
Packaged: 2018-10-08 02:13:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,953
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10375566
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JudyHaJr/pseuds/JudyHaJr
Summary: "The first time Suga had seen Daichi cry was during their first year in the inter highs when they had lost. He hadn’t known Daichi all that well back then. He hadn’t loved him then. But this time he did and when Daichi had come to his hospital room with tears in his eyes and broke down beside Suga telling him how scared he had been, not caring if the whole team saw him. Suga maybe hadn’t realized it then but he had loved Daichi even back then because it surely couldn’t hurt so bad to see another person cry unless you loved them with your whole being.Suga never wanted to feel that way again. "Suga starts his 3rd year with a medical condition that most people worry more in their 60s when they have stopped taking care of themselves. But Suga had taken care of himself. Yet, here he was again wondering how did this keep happening to him?A story about relationships with your loved ones and friends, coping and getting by. Because sometimes you just need to get by to be able to move forward.





	1. Tell Me With Your Mind, Body And Spirit

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! This is my first time writing Haikyuu so all the criticsm is very much welcome and as Englsih, unfortunately, isn't my firts language, all the pointers on spelling and grammar errors are very much welcome as well. I like to use honorifics but as my knowledge in Japanese culture and language is very limited, if you have corrections on them they are very much welcome too. Overall, I try my best to keep in mind that these are Japanese characters living in Japan but as a person born and raised in Finland, I may not always be able to portray it perfectly so apologizes in advance.
> 
> WARNINGS: Panic attac due to a psychosomatic disorder caused by medical condition. 
> 
> Enjoy :)

_”Mä oon niin väsynyt siihen et mul ei oo mitään.”_

_"I'm so tired of it, that I've got nothing"_

_-Maija Vilkkumaa_

**Part 1**

**Chapter 1**

 

Suga couldn’t believe that he was in this situation. Again. He thought it should have been easier this time around: walking in from those doors, to greet everyone and show that he was fine. But he wasn’t fine. Not the last time around and not this time either. Walking away had been so easy.

As it was this time.

So he turned his back to the gym doors and walked away.

 

 

Daichi took a deep breath in and let it out slowly. Dealing with those two first years had been tiring. It wasn’t like he wasn’t going to let them play, they needed more players and he had told Tanaka as much, but they needed some kind of a lesson. Something to make them stop bickering.  If nothing else, at least he now got them to work with one and other, not that they had seemed too happy about it, but the need to play volleyball seemed to rise above their dislike for one another. Daichi really appreciated the passion, but he would appreciate it more when the passion was turned towards _actual_ volleyball and not in the need to beat each other on it. It was reassuring to know that there would be people in the team that wouldn’t quit easily, given their current situation.

Daichi let his eyes wonder around the gym and the slow but sure decrease of his crows was very much noticeable. They soon wouldn’t have enough players to go around. They wouldn’t have even been able to get a 3 on 3 game going hadn’t the other two first years showed up, that was how low their numbers were. Daichi didn’t often show his displeasure in frustrating situations but at the very moment he wanted to scream, let out something else, something stronger than just a heavy sigh. They hadn’t put this much time and effort since their first year of high school to let the team crumble from inside out because they had hardly enough members.

So yes, it was all very frsutating.

Nishinoya was suspended and not allowed to participate in club activities. Asahi hadn’t shown up. Suga was no show.

Daichi knew better than to expect Suga to be able to practice but he had expected – hoped more like - that he would show up. But he hadn’t. Just like last time.

Now Daichi wasn’t sure if he wanted to scream and curse anymore. He felt more like crying to be honest. The thought of Suga made him more sad than anything else. Disappointed maybe, but not angry. He had hardly ever been able to be angry at Suga and given the current situation, Daichi knew he didn’t need anger. Even though Daichi couldn't help but wonder if little anger would speed things along.

One part of him had wanted to drag Suga by the hand to the club room but the other part, the hurt part of him, had won. So he hadn’t. They weren’t in speaking terms at the moment and Daichi was always torn upon talking to him - being there for him - , and hearing the words that had hurt him so bad being spoken to him again:

_“I think we should take a break.”_

So, he hadn’t talked to Suga. Because they were _on a break._ Daichi knew he was being childish, but he didn’t know what else to do. _Hadn’t_ known what else to do. He hadn’t given in that easy. He had pleaded and begged, asked for an explanation – even though he had already known – and asked Suga to reconsider. To let him be there for him. Just like last time. But this time hadn’t been like last time. This one was a whole new mountain to climb and the smallest misstep could bring the person climbing the mountain tumbling down back to the bottom. Suga needed space so Daichi had given him that. He just wasn’t so sure how long he would be able to do that. Wasn’t sure how much longer he _should_. Because too long would be too much and all of this would be for nothing.

“Daichi-san?” Tanaka asked carefully, noticing his captain being deep in thought.

“What is it, Tanaka?” Daichi asked, reluctant to move his gaze and face Tanaka but did so anyway. He was pretty sure what this was about.

“Wasn’t Suga-san in school today?” Tanaka asked his usual loud voice quiet and careful his gaze mournful, maybe even little scared. The situation with Suga wasn’t all that clear with all of them. Daichi was pretty sure that only he and Asahi understood the extent of it. He probably should tell them all about it, but he wasn’t sure it was his place.

Daichi paused for a moment, trying to figure out what to tell him but settled for a simple: ”He was.”

Tanaka was clearly taken aback. “Wh-why he didn’t he come to practice then?” he asked louder, clearly upset. “Don’t say he quit the club too? I mean he’s gonna show up to practices, right? He’s still part of the team! I know he can’t play at the moment but he can in a couple of months, right?” The others had now stopped their cleaning too, even the other two first years looked curious wanting to hear Daichi’s answer concerning the elephant in the room, and what a big freaking elephant it was since it seemed to be able to fill up the whole gym.

Daichi tried his best to hold his poker face. To not let the fear show, the defeat he felt. This was another frustrating part about all this: Daichi was the only third year left now. No one else had been there last time. No one else understood. They didn’t understand that it wasn’t just that simple. Suga wouldn’t just come back, pick up the ball once cleared by the doctors and play like he used to. Be the person he used to. Daichi felt his frustration rise up again. He felt so useless. He just -. He wasn’t sure if he could go through all of this again. Not alone. And he knew that Suga was even more alone than he was because no one understood. No one could understand. Not even Daichi himself.

Daichi forced the tears threatening to come to his eyes at bay, hoping it wouldn’t show for others how near he was losing it. He wouldn’t show them how scared he was. How scared he had been. Because he had been. And he had showed it then. But he wasn’t going to show it now. They needed to have faith - even though Daichi felt he had none of that left at the moment - not to be scared for Suga because being scared of what might happen in the future wouldn’t solve anything. Suga wouldn’t want that, Suga wouldn’t _need_ that. He was already scared himself, Daichi knew. That’s why he hadn’t shown up to practice. Because it hurt. It hurt to see others practice when he couldn’t do anything. It hurt him to be in this situation again. It hurt because the future, once again, was oh so unclear.  

This was pretty much textbook case from last time, Daichi thought, but he knew that it wasn’t all. They say the lightning never hits the same place twice. But it had. So what would stop it from striking once more?

Daichi let out a small breath and wasn’t able to hold anyone’s gaze. He always knew what to say, he was always vocal about everything. He was the captain, he knew how these guys worked. But this time, he didn’t know what to say, how to even begin to explain, what to explain. He wasn’t ready to explain the elephant in the room. Just admitting it was there was hard enough. He would leave the explaining for another time. Now wasn’t the time, he told himself. Even though he knew that the more he dragged it on, the more time would pass, the more others would begin to wonder and more confusion it would cause.

But he didn’t want to talk about it now so he just simply stated:

“It might be a lot more than just a couple of months, Tanaka.”

 

 

Suga entered the empty house without even bothering to say hi. He knew it would be empty. Would be for a couple of more days with both of his parents on a business trip. His dad somewhere in Japan, his mom somewhere in Europe. Switzerland, he was pretty sure.

Suga eased the bag off from his left shoulder leaving it on the bottom of the stairs and immediately headed for the bathroom. He took his uniform jacket off all the while flexing and unflexing the fingers in his right hand. He could feel his heartbeat quickening and quickening as the small panic started to set it even more. He quickly rolled up the sleeve underneath and threw the hand sleeve off while already turning on the cold water from the tap where he immediately placed his right hand once it was free.

Suga breathed out. Feeling the cold in his fingers, it consuming his whole hand. “You can feel it”, he said still letting the cold water flow along his fingers. “You can feel it, stupid, stop being so paranoid. You can feel it, it’s fine.”

Suga leaned to the porcelain sink with his left hand and took a look of himself in the mirror. “It’s fine”, he whispered to his own reflection. “It’s fine, it’s fine, it’s fine, it’s fine. _You_ are fine. Just fine.”

But he wasn’t, and Suga knew that this wasn’t being fine.

He turned the water off and without drying his hand he leaned to the nearest wall and slid down along it to the bathroom floor. After a couple of deep breaths, he propped his right arm on the top of his knee, looking at it, scolding at it. Clenching and unclenching the hand. Slowly he felt his heart rate start going back to normal and he felt tired. Tired and relieved. “I’m being stupid, aren’t I?” He asked from no-one in particular. “I should know better.”

He rose from the floor, dried his hand to a towel, and picked the hand sleeve back up from the floor, putting it back on to his right hand, rolling the shirt sleeve higher so the hand sleeve would fit under it. He picked the school uniform jacket from the floor and dusted off the imaginary dust before putting it into a closet in the hallway.

Suga wondered to the living room, taking a look at the time. It was hardly after 4 pm. The volleyball practice was still on going, barely even started. Suga had rushed home after starting to feel the itch in his mind, the need to feel the cold water sweep through his fingers halfway between the trip from school to home. He had made it in record time without any actual running. He knew it was only psychosomatic, that he hadn’t actually lost the feeling in his hand but he had to be _sure_. It had felt so much like last time and- last time the water hadn’t helped. The water hadn’t shown his fear unreal but proven it true. The hard slap had felt weird in his arm as the arm had started to feel numb and uncooperative. That was when Suga knew, that’s when he knew and-.  

Suga tugged the hand sleeve harsher. No, he wouldn’t think about that. He had already lived it twice in real life and what felt like thousands of times in his dreams and in his mind. He wouldn’t think about it again.

Suga knew he should probably change out of his school uniform but he couldn’t get himself to move from the sofa after he had laid down on it. The remote for the TV was right there on the table. Suga could reach it easily, the table wasn’t that far but he didn’t. Instead he started at the black TV screen, feeling nothing.

The crippling fear that he had had before was now gone. The terror had changed into nothingness instead of an actual relief and Suga couldn’t will himself to move. His mind was empty and he knew that he should move but he couldn’t. He wasn’t in panic anymore, but he felt like his body was unresponsive or like his mind and body weren’t connected. But he knew that if really needed to move, he probably could. But he didn’t really feel like it. And as the time moved on and the sun started to move away from the living room window Suga could feel himself falling asleep as his mind finally relaxed.

 

 

Suga snapped awake. It was starting to get dark. He had lost all sense of time and for a moment, was thankful that the school year had only just started which thankfully meant no homework to worry about for the day.

His phone was ringing and the screen showed that it was his mom calling. Funny how his mom would always call him no matter what part of the world she was traveling when his father never did.

Suga picked up the phone and answered it. “Hi, mom.”

“Hi, honey” his mother said happily, her cheery mood carrying over the phone line. “How have you been?”

Suga knew she was worried. She may have been partly married to her work and hardly be at home but she always worried. She had even asked him if she should take some time off from work. But it had been what? three weeks already. So Suga had said he would be fine on his own. He was a big boy and the world didn’t stop spinning just because he had a medical problem. He could handle it. Just like last time. So he had told her it was fine. That she could go. He would be fine. He could take care of himself. He was fine.

He wasn’t fine.

“Good”, Suga simply answered and picked himself up from the sofa trailing his hand against the wall looking for a light switch.

“Just good?” his mom asked little amused. Suga wasn’t sure if it was forced or not. His mom tried to act positively even though she often wasn’t. Suga noticed that he was acting like that now too. The true happiness and positive outlook on life had changed to fake smiles and bitterness.

“Just good”, Suga answered forcing happiness into his voice, snapping the light on in the living room when his hand found the switch. “School was good but I was really tired when I got back so I took a nap.” Suga entered the kitchen area snapping another light on and started looking for ingredients for dinner from the fridge.

“Tired?” His mom asked. “You didn’t sleep well?”

“Not really”, Suga lied. He had actually slept just fine. Even though the early morning after vacation had been a pain. Even if he hadn’t woken up as early as usual like he used to for morning practice. He just didn’t want to tell his mom that his tiredness was due to a kind of a panic attack due to psychosomatic symptoms and that this really wasn’t the first time that it had happened.

Her mother gave out a laugh and this time Suga was 99% sure that it was a real one. “Maybe my little boy is still too antsy to sleep well before the first day of school.”

“Maybe”, Suga answered and started picking up the things from the fridge to the kitchen counter. He said maybe because he didn’t have the heart to tell his mom that the only reason he used to be antsy going to school was whenever it was a new school or because of bullies. But there hadn’t been bullies anymore in high school so he was over that. And even if there were, now he had enough friends and Daichi to back him up, even though Suga was pretty sure he would no longer need them.

Daichi.

Suga shook his head to get the thoughts out and changed the subject. “How has your day been this far?”

“Ugh, boring”, his mother answered and Suga could almost picture the face she was making. It would be one of those that Suga called childish but delightfully unlike his father who just called them outright childish and asked her to control her face and said that she was an adult, she should act like it.

“I just came from my second meeting today”, she continued. “And it was the boring kind. As was the first one. Maybe the next one will be better.”

“That’s too bad to hear”, Suga said and meant it. It felt like that was the first time today that he was being honest about something.

“Yeah well, tomorrow should be little better and then I’ll be heading to France the day after.”

“Are you going to Paris?”

“Not this time around. I’ll be going to Lille.”

“Have you ever been there before?” Suga asked and took a look of the time. Little after seven. He sure had slept for a long time. Or maybe not actually slept, Suga wasn’t sure what the time had been when he had finally fallen asleep. He did a quick once over on his school clothes that would totally need some ironing after being slept in.

“Couple times”, her mom simply said. Suga gave out a little hmm to show he was listening.

“Can’t wait to get home thought”, her mother said, surprising Suga a little. “We didn’t get to do anything during your spring vacation but I thought that if you felt up to it we could maybe go out for dinner or something. Or go to Sendai. Whatever you feel like.”

“Sounds good to me”, Suga said but couldn’t force any excitement to his voice. His mom was worrying again.

“You have a doctor’s appointment next Monday, too, right? If it goes well we could maybe go afterwards?”

“Sure.”

“Okay, honey”, Suga’s mother said and Suga knew he was giving that tiny, sad smile. “I’ve got a go now.”

“Okay.”

“I love you honey, don’t forget to take your meds!”

“I won’t mom, I’ve got alarm on the phone to remind me.”

“Good. Take care honey, I’ll talk to you tomorrow!”

“Okay.”

“Okay, bye!”

“Bye.”

Suga ended the call and sighed. He took the meds out on the table even though it wasn’t 8 pm yet. It would be though once he finished eating.

Sugawara let his head drop and stared at the ceiling above him, listening the silent apartment around him. His body would heal, he knew that. It might not ever be as it was before but he knew that the prognosis was good, better than last time and last time he had kicked ass and almost gotten his body back to 100%. He knew that in time, his body would heal. Suga gripped at the hand sleeve again. The arm would heal, in time. He just wasn’t sure if his mind could keep up.


	2. I'll go everywhere you go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The second day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Summaries are hard. Writing is hard. All that jazz. Italics are flashbacks.

**Chapter 2**

Suga didn’t feel like going to school the next morning. To be honest he didn’t even feel like getting out of bed. But he had to. If nothing else, he would have to take his medication in half an hour. It was something he couldn’t slide off from because he wanted to get better, get healthier. But going to school, that was a whole other ordeal.

Going to school meant seeing Daichi. The whole day, all the time from the beginning to end and Suga wasn’t ready. He wasn’t ready yesterday and neither was he ready today.

He knew that he was the one to call it off, to ask for a break. That didn’t mean it didn’t hurt.

_Suga was gazing out from his bedroom window, unable to face Daichi. He could feel the tears threaten to come but he forced them away. He hadn’t even said it yet, how did he already feel like crying? And it wasn’t like he was breaking up with Daichi, just asking for a break, so he could sort this all out. Sort himself out. He didn’t want to drag Daichi down with him when he was already barely staying afloat just by himself._

_It had been little over a week since it had happened. School was out now and Suga had missed the last week of his second year being in the hospital. Daichi had visited him every day even though Suga had told him it was unnecessary. Sometimes he came alone, sometimes with the other guys from the volleyball team. Suga hated it. Hated how they looked at him, like he was dying or something. Which he wasn’t and yes it was serious and yes it sucked but it wasn’t like it hadn’t happened before. The first time he hadn’t been as annoyed with the others, he had been scared himself too, but this time… This time, it really annoyed him. He was_ fine _how couldn’t they see that?_

_But at the same time Suga was scared, as well and he was annoyed at himself for_ being _scared._

_Suga had asked for Daichi to come over at his house. Not maybe the best place to announce that he wanted a break in their relationship but his mom hadn’t wanted him to leave the house just yet. And if Suga was being honest with himself, he hadn’t wanted to leave either. For the moment, the house was a safe haven for him. His mom was home for the week, if anything happened help would be close by. Just one phone call away. His mom would know what to say and Suga would get the help he needed. So yes, Suga was happy to not having to leave the house jus yet._

_At the very moment, Daichi was sitting on Suga’s bed, waiting. Suga had barely said anything to him and Suga was pretty sure that Daichi had worry creases on his forehead. Suga should probably turn around and check but he didn’t want to face Daichi yet because the next time he did he would say those words. The words that would hurt Daichi. But Daichi would understand, right? He would understand the reason behind all of this? He wouldn’t outright leave Suga, right? Suga really, really loved him and he didn’t want him to leave him._

_‘Loved him’, Suga realized. Yes. He really did love Daichi. He knew Daichi was the one. Maybe he was being young and stupid saying that he was in love at the age of 17 but he felt that he really was. And weren’t they supposed to be stupid when young? Be stupid and make stupid decisions and then regret it when they were older? Suga wasn’t one to make stupid decisions often and he knew that even though maybe loving Daichi was stupid, this wasn’t._

_Suga slowly turned around and faced Daichi and just like he had predicted, there were worry lines on his forehead with Suga being unusually quiet. But once Suga met his gaze there was a small smile playing on his lips. Suga wasn’t able to smile. Not even able to fake a smile. He wanted to cry but he refused._

_“I think we should take a break.”_

_The smile on Daichi’s face vanished immediately._

Even remembering that made Suga’s eyes tear up and he let couple of tears slip by before furiously wiping them away and finally getting out of bed. It was 7.45 already, he would have to rush this morning.

Sugawara had time to put his clothes on, use the bathroom and brush his teeth before it was time for the meds.

He took the medication with him to the kitchen table and sat down. He untucked his shirt that he had already tucked in deep in his thoughts before taking the needle to his hand containing the low-molecular-weight heparin. With the other hand he took a hold on his lower stomach which was starting to fill up with bruises from the needles and looked for unbruised part before quickly sticking the needle into his belly.

It didn’t really hurt, even though the first few times he had had to do this himself he had found his hand shaking when it had finally been the time to stick the needle in. Now he was more used to it but the skin of his stomach was starting to fill up with tiny bruises and becoming sore. He really hoped he would soon be able to change back to oral medication. It would make things a lot easier.

Suga took the needle out, putting it into the used needle container, and put a plaster where the needle had been just in case. The small wound rarely bled but Suga really didn’t want blood staining his white school shirt.

Putting all the things away Suga quickly made himself some breakfast before packing his bag and starting the trip to school.

Suga tried his best to leave early. Everyone would be at morning practice but he really didn’t want to catch them once they left the gym either.  Avoiding them probably wasn’t the answer but it was the only one Suga was able to come up with at the moment. Questions would be asked, questions that Suga didn’t have answers for. Questions that he didn’t want to answer.

To Suga it felt like the whole school knew what had happened. Or at least all the third years it seemed, and yesterday at school had been awkward to say the least. The teachers of course knew, he had missed an entire week of school after all, and being taken to hospital in the middle of a volleyball tournament with an ambulance wasn’t exactly going quietly. But Suga kind of wished that the other students wouldn’t know because now they didn’t know how to behave around him. On his first year when it had happened he had been at home, and while missing school for two weeks, not everyone knew. Now they knew and they were being weird, distant. They gave him these pitying looks which Suga didn’t need. Their pity wasn’t going to make things better. They weren’t going to help him. He didn’t need sorrys from people that hadn’t given him a time of the day before. He just wanted things to go the way they were. He wanted to be healthy, he wanted to be able to play volleyball he wanted to be with Daichi.

Suga breathed in the warm April air and continued walking. He kind of wished that he could take things back with Daichi. He missed him. A lot. Daichi had been there for him during the first time, been his rock, been pretty much his everything. Daichi hadn’t cried when he had told him, hadn’t looked at him with pity, he just had been there for him. Listening when Suga needed to let his frustrations out, reassuring that in time, it would be fine. And Suga had believed him because he thought that after all the hard work he would be fine. It would just take time. And it had. But he had trusted the process. They both had. And after a while, after things had started to go smoothly again, after Suga had started to take volleyball for granted again, it was ripped off been torn to pieces.

And Daichi. Daichi had broken down.

The first time Suga had seen Daichi cry was during their first year in the inter highs when they had lost. He hadn’t known Daichi all that well back then. He hadn’t loved him then. But this time he did and when Daichi had come to his hospital room with tears in his eyes and broke down beside Suga telling him how scared he had been, not caring if the whole team saw him. Suga maybe hadn’t realized it then but he had loved Daichi even back then because it surely couldn’t hurt so bad to see another person cry unless you loved them with your whole being.

Suga never wanted to feel that way again. He never wanted to see Daichi like that again.

The first time, Suga was sure that if he took enough care of himself, if he just trusted the process he would be fine. It was a one-time thing. It wouldn’t happen again. Now, Suga wasn’t sure and the future looked unclear. He didn’t dare to hope anymore, to wish for the best. He didn’t know anything anymore. His head was full of thoughts but nothing made sense. His future plans had been shattered and the pieces were floating in his mind but Suga couldn’t connect them. The once rocky path was now gone. Destroyed. He needed to find a new path because the one left behind was beyond repair. Suga wouldn’t even know where to start. Nothing was left but uncertainty.

Everything was uncertain, except for Daichi.

He could clearly see Daichi’s teary eyed face. His eyes puffy from all the crying he had done, his face stained. Suga loved that man but that was all he could see. He couldn’t see the smiling face anymore, hear the laughter and it all felt wrong.

Deep in his thoughts Suga almost missed the sound of volleyball hitting skin and pouncing around on the grass. The grass. Outside. Not in the volleyball court. Suga looked up to see two figures passing the volleyball back and forth. Or not as much passing, more like the other – the taller one, who Suga immediately recognized as Kageyama Tobio – serving and the shorter one – who, too, looked familiar - trying his best to receive. He wasn’t doing a very good job of it since the ball kept pouncing around at random directions.

Suga could hear the constant bickering the two were having and the shouts of “Are you even trying?!” “You’re pathetic!” “Move your feet, moron!” and he couldn’t help but stare in wonder. What were they doing practicing outside?           

“Uhm”, Suga started, not really sure if the other two could even hear him with all the bickering but the short ones receive was off and sure enough the ball was pouncing around once again before rolling to Sugawara’s feet.

“Uh”, Suga started again before picking the ball up from the grass. “What are you two practising here for? Shouldn’t the practise go on for another 15 minutes?”

The two scolded at each other briefly before the short one answered: “We got kicked out”, he muttered not looking Suga straight in the. Suga was just about to pass the ball back to them but stopped in his tracks.

“What?”

“We wouldn’t have been kicked out if you actually knew how to receive and hadn’t knocked out vice-principal’s toupée off, moron!” Kageyama shouted which seemed to fire the shorter one up.

“No, we wouldn’t have been kicked out if you actually knew how to work in a team!”

“I don’t wanna work with a moron who doesn’t even know how to do basic things in volleyball!”

“Well I don’t –“, The shorter one abruptly stopped when he heard Sugawara start chuckling behind his hand. Both of the first years visibly relaxed. After calming down Suga said:

“You guys must have really outdone yourselves to rile Daichi up.” Suga passed the ball back to them and continued:” Also, I’m pretty sure you shouldn’t be talking about vice-principal’s toupee out loud.” The both first years visibly paled, realizing their mistake.

“But what do you mean you got kicked out?” Suga couldn’t help but feel curious. Their team wasn’t crowded with members and Suga wasn’t sure they could turn down any new members, especially as talented as Kageyama Tobio.

The scowls were back on their faces immediately. “The Captain said he wouldn’t take our applications in until we showed some teamwork and won’t let Kageyama play setter if we lose the game against the other first years on Saturday.”

Suga couldn’t help but arch his eyebrows. That was very un-Daichi-like. “Well, Daichi is usually very easy to forgive and forget so I’m sure he won’t really go through with his threat Kageyama-kun.” He gave out a small smile for them.  He started to head back towards the school but Kageyama’s voice stopped him.

“Don’t you play volleyball too?” He asked and when Sugawara didn’t answer right away he elaborated. “I remember seeing you in a tournament once. I was there watching.”

Suga didn’t answer for a moment. The slight joy he had felt when those two had been bickering washed away. Daichi’s face, scowling at them became sad instead and Suga could feel the joy crumble inside himself and hiding itself away once again.

“Not anymore”, he simply said but he wasn’t all that sure that he meant it. He had never said it out loud before, but he guessed it was true. He was done with volleyball.

“I wish you good luck for the game”, he said giving them a small wave and walking away. “Try not to get in too much trouble.”

 

“What, he used to play volleyball? Why doesn’t he play anymore? Kageyamaaaa? Do you know him?” Hinata asked rapidly from Kageyama.

“Shut up, moron! How would I know why he doesn’t play anymore, moron?!” he scowled, but it quickly melted away. “I’m pretty sure he’s injured though.”

“Huh?” Hinata asked with a confused face. “He didn’t seem injured to me”, he wondered.

“Last high school tournament before the break, I was there watching, and the game between Karasuno and Date Techo was discontinued.”

Hinata just gave him an even more confused look so he continued:” I didn’t see the whole thing since I was watching another game at the time but I think he was taken away with an ambulance.”

“Ambulance?!” Hinata almost screamed his eyes plopping out of his head.

“Yeah. He was walking though when he left with the paramedics.”

“What was it? Was it serious?! He seemed okay to me.”

“What am I, a psychic?” Kageyama snapped, before taking a deep breath.

“I don’t know what it was but I think it might been pretty serious since they decided not continue with the game.”

Hinata’s face seemed thoughtful.

“Let’s continue”, Kageyama said. “We only have 15 minutes before the warning bell.”

 

Sugawara survived the day till lunch, when he was left to avoid people once again. The classes hadn’t been so bad, even though his arm had started to hurt a little from all the writing he had done, but at least he could focus on the task at hand. Lunches were awkward, especially with Daichi being in the same class as him. So, he had decided on going outside instead. He had been tempted to ask Daichi on what the whole thing with the first-years’ was but decided against it. It wouldn’t be fair to Daichi. Suga wouldn’t blame him if he never wanted to talk to him again, Suga himself didn’t even want to do that. Inside Suga knew that Daichi was forgiving and thoughtful but everyone had a breaking point, right? One couldn’t always be caring and forgiving. Suga kind of wished that Daichi would be mad at him so Suga himself wouldn’t feel so bad. Then he could be angry back, right? Now he was just left with the feeling of quilt and numbness. What had he done?

Suga wondered outside with his bag in tow containing his lunch when he was once again met with a volleyball smacking on skin and sure enough when he turned the corner he could see the short first year practicing on his receives. This time on his own though and he didn’t seem to be making much process.

Suga wondered if he should maybe say something but at that moment the first year mishandled the ball and noticed Suga right away when he went to retrieve it.  The first year blinked for a moment in confusion and Suga couldn’t help a small smile taking over his face. This kid really seemed to love volleyball.

Before Suga even really knew what he was saying he had already asked: “Would you like some help?”

A grin took over the boy’s face once again before it turned into a somewhat dramatic pleading look. “Please, Senpai, can you please help me with my receives? Kageyama is never going to set for me if I don’t get better at them.”

“Kageyama-kun refuses to set for you?” Suga asks while setting down his bag and shedding his blazer and starting to roll up his shirt sleeves. “And just Suga is fine, no need to call me senpai.”

“Suga-san”, the boy says happily before his face turns grim again. “And Kageyama says that he won’t set for those who are a liability.”

“Really?”

“Hmm-m. I’m Hinata by the way, Hinata Shouyou! First year, class one!” The boy’s moods seem to go up and down in a rapid speed because his voice is once again happy and full of excitement that can also be seen from his bow.

“Nice to meet you, Hinata”, Suga says and starts to debate in whether he should take his hand sleeve off or not but decides to put in in his pant pockets in the end. It would do more harm than good, probably. “Sugawara Koushi”, Suga says and for the sake of it continues:” Year three, class three.”

“Are you really gonna help me with my receives, Suga-san? I thought you didn’t play volleyball anymore?”

At that, Suga’s face darkened but he tried to shake it off. Give out the signature grin but he the twist in his lips didn’t feel right. “I don’t, but I think I still have enough in me to teach you a thing or two. We can’t have a setter like Kageyama-kun to not toss for you, am I right?”

“At this rate he will never toss for me”, Suga heard Hinata mutter.

“You want to be a wing spiker?” Suga asked and motioned Hinata to toss him the ball. Suga received it with an underarm pass sending it back towards Hinata. It felt weird. This was the first time Suga had played volleyball in any shape or form since that day. It wasn’t even all that many weeks but it felts like months. Suga was so used to it being part of his everyday life.

“I want to be an ace!” Hinata chimed happily and returned the pass with a toss.

Suga chuckled. The kid sure was enthusiastic. “Like the Little Giant?” Suga returned the pass with a toss of his own. He was out of touch. He couldn’t feel the ball in his fingertips as well as he used to. He would have to re-learn that, Suga thought. To feel the ball even if he wasn’t really feeling it. Suga stopped his thoughts. He wouldn’t have to re-learn anything, he was done with volleyball.

Hinata caught the ball instead of tossing it back, his eyes glimmering. “You know of Little Giant?!”

“Everyone in Karasuno who plays volleyball knows something about Little Giant. Now come on Hinata, we only have a lunch break to do this”, Sugawara said and mentioned for Hinata to pass the ball once again.

“Little Giant is the reason I started to play volleyball”, Hinata continued. “He was just woosh and swish and everything! I want to be just like him!” The ball had passed back and forth between them a couple of times before Hinata tumbled it with his underarm receive.

Sugawara watched the ball roll over but didn’t pick it right back up. “Well, I guess if you want to be like him you need to get your receives straight. Bend your knees more”, Suga demonstrated:” and move your feet. Don’t move your hands too much, otherwise the ball won’t go to the direction you want.”

Hinata was quiet for a moment but mimicked Sugawara a couple of times and was able to send the ball back with and underarm receive once Suga passed it to him. They went quiet for a couple of rounds before Hinata spoke up:” Suga-san?”

“Yes, Hinata?”

“I really, really like volleyball.”

“I’ve noticed”, Suga said. “You have a lot of passion.”

“I really want Kageyama to toss for me. He’s the King of The Court, I want to beat him, I want to be better than him.”

Suga hmmed and let Hinata continue.

“I really want to be part of a team. I’ve never had one. It was always just me in middle school and I only got three teammates during my last year.”

“You will have a team this time”, Suga said. “You will show that you can be a team-conscious by beating the other first years and make your way to the team.”

“I bet having a team is nice.”

“It is”, Suga admitted.

“So why did you leave?”

The question was so out of the blue and so sincere that Suga had hard time not showing the effect it had on him. It was a complex question. A personal question, and something that Suga wasn’t sure he wanted to answer to.

“It’s complicated”, Suga settled and tried to flash Hinata a smile to show that he hadn’t taken offence. “It’s something I need to sort out on my own. The team is great, believe me. Everyone is wonderful and caring.” Daichi even too much so, if you asked Suga.

“I’m sure you will get along great with others. They are as passionate about winning as you are.”

“I really wanna go to the nationals”, Hinata said once again succeeding on his underarm pass. “When Captain-san talked about it I got shivers. That’s all I’ve ever wanted since seeing Little Giant play, to be able to play on that stage, with a team, with Karasuno.”

Suga stumbled a little with his toss and Hinata wasn’t able to receive it properly. “Sorry, Hinata”, he said. He was definitely rusty.

“I hope you get to go there”, Suga said. “I’ve never been there but it has always been a dream of mine as well. We tried our hardest on previous years but our skill level just wasn’t there. I hope it will change with you first years.”

The ball changed an owner couple of times between them before Hinata spoke up: “If going to nationals is your dream, Suga-san, why wouldn’t you come back?”

Hinata for sure was a curious type, Suga noticed, but he didn’t seem to have any hidden agenda behind it, he simply wanted to know.

“Even if I did”, Suga started giving another toss to let him think of an answer. “Even if I wanted to, I’m not allowed to play till July, maybe June if I’m lucky and then I would already have to start focusing on my college studies.”

“Would you like to play, still?” Hinata asked, catching the ball. “I couldn’t imagine not playing volleyball.” His face was downcast and he looked thoughtful holding the ball between his hands as it would give him all the answers. “I mean, I haven’t even played volleyball that long, only three years but I almost can no longer remember what my life was like before it.”

Suga understood him. Completely. He had been playing volleyball pretty much all of his life it felt like, ever since he was six years old. Thinking about not ever doing it again felt weird for him but Suga knew that he would have stopped playing after high school anyway. What would a couple of months change? He wasn’t even all that good. He wasn’t build for volleyball: he was too short and with too little talent and hardly any athletics tendencies for his name even though he had been playing volleyball more than not. Those who had started later than him had often surpassed him in no time.

Suga once again motioned for Hinata to pass to him. They were starting to run out of time and Suga had yet to eat his lunch. “Well let’s hope you can continue playing for the rest of your life. Who knows, maybe you’ll come good enough that you will still be able to play in college.”

“I’m not all that good in school though. I don’t know if I’ll be going to college.”

Suga thought what to say next. He himself was bound to go to college, that was the plan. And now that volleyball was out of the way he would have even more time to study for his entrance exams. He had wanted to go to either Tokyo or Kiyoko really badly. Anything to leave Miyagi. But now he wasn’t so sure what he wanted. He was pretty sure he wanted to go where ever Daichi would but was it too selfish of him to say that? Did Daichi even want to go to the same university as him? They hadn’t really talked about it at all, their future. Would they even be in the same city? They were both in college prep classes but that didn’t mean that both of them would even get in on the first try. Daichi could maybe get a sports’ scholarship? But if he did he wouldn’t be able to just choose his university. Would he rather go through entrance exam and risk it? Daichi was good at school but was he that good? Did he even want to go to some of Japan’s best universities like Suga? Did Suga even want to go there anymore?

Suga shook his head and tried to focus on the task at hand. There were too many questions for him to answer. And why did he even keep on thinking what Daichi would do? They weren’t even in speaking terms at the moment. And his dad would never approve of Suga choosing his university based on Daichi’s decision. He wasn’t even that excited of their relationship to begin with. Firstly, because in his opinion Suga should focus on school related things, not on relationships. And secondly, because Daichi was a guy. The only positive thing that Suga’s dad could find in the whole ordeal was that Sawamura was respectable family name. He could be so old fashioned at times. Still, he had left Suga pretty confused when there was no yelling on the fact that Suga liked guys. It had taken the back seat when his dad had started to lecture him about responsibilities when it came to his education.

“Maybe you’ll end up with a sport scholarship and get a full ride at some university that likes to put its all on sports”, Suga finally says realizing that maybe the silence had dragged on too long with his brain running 100 miles an hour on unnecessary things.

“You think so?” Hinata asked excitedly a quick grin on his face.

“Well you obviously have the will to it and hopefully after three years here even the skill”, Suga said realizing that he was becoming way too encouraging when he had only seen the boy play once. Suga just realized where the boy was familiar from. He had played on a game against Kageyama-kun back in junior high, on the one that he, Daichi and Tanaka had gone to watch. Hinata had quick reflexes and amazing jumping power but that was pretty much all that Suga knew. And at the moment his receiving skills weren’t winning Suga over.

“It’s okay to reach for you dreams”, Suga said. His fingers were starting to go numb and the tosses were becoming more and more reckless. “But it’s also okay to realize when a dream is too hard and change it. There’s no shame in that.”

Suga caught the ball. He would have to stop. He would be lucky if he would be able to write any notes during his English class.

Hinata was looking at him questioning. Suga gave him a little smile that maybe turned out little too sad. “Don’t mind me. I think that was more of me reassuring myself. Recent life-events have left me feeling little lost.” Suga gave the ball back to Hinata to show him that he was done for now.

“I’m not sure either. On what I want to do”, Hinata said staring at the ball.

“Think on it”, Suga said as he gathered his bag from the grass. “But for the moment, I think your next goal is to make it on time for your next class, the warning bell is about to ring.”

Quickly Hinata started gathering his things and ran after Sugawara towards the building entrance. “Will you help me tomorrow? With receives?” he asked excited. Suga pulled his face a little. He really shouldn’t, he knew that, but he would be lying if he said he didn’t enjoy helping Hinata.

“I can’t make any promises-”, Suga started as he pulled his hand-sleeve out his pocket and put it on, clenching and unclenching his fingers. Hinata’s eyes followed the movement but for once he didn’t ask anything, to which Suga was grateful. “-But I’ll do the best that I can to help you, okay. We need to get you on that gym with the team, don’t we?” Suga didn’t know why but for a brief moment he really felt like ruffling Hinata’s hair but he didn’t act on it. He had only known Hinata for a half a day, that would be weird. But Hinata had that certain effect, to make him feel at ease. His positivity was contagious, it was like standing on a direct sunlight.

Hinata gave him a grin. “Thank you so much for today, Suga-san”, he said before waiving and basically jumping towards the other end of the building. Suga couldn’t help but smile.

 

Suga had been right, he had overdone the use of his hand. It had started to bother him before the lunch break already and what had he done? Played volleyball. Which he had quit. Which according to doctor’s orders he wasn’t allowed to do in any shape or form until the would be able to change his medicine.

So here he was, sitting on his English class, staring at the board unable to write down what was on it. The precise movement of writing was straining his hand and he wasn’t even able to hold on to the pen correctly without is hurting his arm. He had tried with his left hand – one would think he had mastered it last time around but no – for a while but he felt he was just creating a mess out of his notes. So instead he tried his best to listen to the teacher and mark the important parts from the book – that at least he could do with his left hand. Luckily, he was good in English so he wasn’t feeling all that stressed about it but he still had biology after this.

But with nothing occupy his mind with, other than listening his teacher, Suga started to space out and before he even realized it the bell rang for the sing of class being dismissed and everyone started to wonder to their friends’ desks and taking out the books for the next class.

Suga quickly fumbled out his phone to take a picture of the board where their homework had been written when suddenly a paper was slid to his desk. Suga looked up confusingly.

“Don’t worry about it, I copied the homework pages down as well.”

It was Daichi. For a moment Suga didn’t know what to say, he just stared.

“I noticed you stopped writing pretty early on-”, Daichi said scratching the back of his head and Suga lowered his gaze to the paper on his desk that had all the English written on it with Daichi’s neat handwriting. “-so I took notes for you too.”

Suga cleared his throat. This was the first time he had talked to Daichi since his request for a break and of course Daichi would be the bigger person and approach first, with his notes to Suga when he had noticed that Suga wouldn’t be able to take them himself. Could he more of a kinder and caring person?

“Thank you, Daichi”, Suga finally managed but was still somehow unable to look Daichi in the eye. He cleared his throat again but it didn’t help, not that he actually had anything to say. Or actually he had a lot of things to say but none that he could.

“You know”, Daichi continued. “I think you should probably start carrying your laptop with you to school to write the notes again. I’m sure senseis don’t mind. You probably won’t even have to ask for a permission anymore.”

Suga dared a glance to Daichi and saw his lopsided half smile which didn’t quite reach his eyes so Suga quickly tore his gaze away and simply nodded. Daichi took that as a sign to take his leave and started walking away.

“Daichi!” Suga suddenly called out. Daichi stopped and turned to look at him but Suga was at loss with words. He didn’t really know why he had done that. He wanted to explain, say something, anything. He felt the sudden urge to walk to Daichi and just hold him, maybe let out a few tears of frustration and just forget the world for a moment.

But all he did was: “Thank you. Really. It means a lot.”

Daichi nodded once and walked into the hallway.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried my best to research Japanese higher education but was left little empty handed when it came down to sports scholarships so I did my best on that and other university related things.
> 
> This is hard.
> 
> Criticism is welcomed! :)

**Author's Note:**

> I'm still trying to figure out how far Sendai is from where ever these guys live but I've figured that not all that far since they always leave in the morning and come back in the evening from the tournaments. Also all the tournament stuff? Still trying to figure that out as well to get the timelines right.  
> Constructive criticsm is always welcome.


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